People often misinterpret perfectionism as striving to be the best, but it is more complex. Brene Brown describes it as believing that achieving perfection in our actions, appearance, and life can protect us from criticism, blame, and shame. Despite its promise of protection, perfectionism often results in stress, anxiety, and self-doubt.
Defining Perfectionism
Perfectionism extends beyond high standards to an all-or-nothing mindset where falling short of flawless is unacceptable. This mentality can affect various life areas, such as work and relationships, leading to dissatisfaction and a fear of failure. Trying to be perfect is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Brown also warns, “Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.” Acknowledging this is the first step toward overcoming perfectionism.
The Dangers of Perfectionism
While pursuing excellence can fuel success, trying to be perfect can be crippling, often leading to:
- Procrastination: The fear of falling short of perfection can delay the initiation or completion of tasks.
- Mental Health Issues: Persistent self-criticism and fear of judgment contribute to anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy.
- Relationship Strain: Expectations can extend to others, causing frustration and conflict.
- Decreased Productivity: Focusing excessively on details can impede task completion and stifle creativity.
- Shame:  Perfectionism is shame avoidance. Shame is a universally uncomfortable emotion that creates fear that we are unworthy of connection. However, because perfection is unattainable, shame ultimately follows us on our quest for perfection.
Identifying Perfectionism
Recognizing signs of perfectionism is essential. If you frequently struggle to meet your own standards, feel anxious or frustrated trying to fulfill them, or hear that your standards are too high, perfectionistic tendencies might be the issue.
Reflective Questions:
- Do I find it difficult to meet my standards?
- Am I often anxious or frustrated in trying to meet them?
- Have others remarked that my standards are excessively high?
- Do my standards prevent me from completing tasks or enjoying life?
- Am I critical of others who fail to meet my high expectations?
- Do I have different expectations for myself than I do for others?
Examples of Perfectionist Thoughts and Behaviors
Perfectionist Feelings:
- Feeling anxious or depressed when unable to meet self-imposed expectations.
- Engaging in constant self-criticism despite putting in effort and time.
- Feeling ashamed or uncomfortable with compliments.
Perfectionist Thinking:
- Black-and-white thinking: Viewing anything less than perfect as a failure.
- Catastrophic thinking: Assuming the worst will happen if you make a mistake.
- Should Statements: Believing you must always be perfect and never show weakness.
Perfectionist Behavior:
- Chronic procrastination or giving up when tasks aren’t perfect.
- Excessive checking for errors or unnecessarily redoing work.
- Avoiding new experiences to prevent mistakes.
Strategies to Overcome Perfectionism
a) Realistic Thinking vs Perfectionism
Replace negative, self-critical thoughts with realistic, positive affirmations. Consistent practice can foster new thought patterns.
Examples:
“Nobody is perfect!”
“All I can do is my best!”
“Making a mistake is human.”
b) Perspective Taking
Challenge distorted perspectives by considering others’ viewpoints. Ask yourself:
- How would a friend see this situation?
- Are there alternative perspectives?
c) Consider the Big Picture
Redirect your focus from details to broader perspectives by asking:
- Does it truly matter?
- What’s the worst that could happen?
d) Compromising vs Perfectionism
Establish flexible, realistic standards and be open to compromise.
Moving Forward
Overcoming perfectionism involves accepting imperfections and valuing progress over flawlessness, not lowering your standards. By practicing these strategies and acknowledging perfection’s unrealistic nature, you can lead a more fulfilled, balanced life.
If you’re ready to address your perfectionism further, consider professional guidance. Engage with mental health professionals, join support groups, or read insightful books to support your self-improvement. While perfection may be an illusion, growth and happiness are attainable.
Written by: DeVera Nybo, Owner, Newleaf Total Wellness Centre